I've been thinking about my mom a lot recently (well, I haven't stopped thinking about her since she passed - not a day goes by that I don't think about her at least 10 times...but recently I've been thinking about her while I sleep as well).
Sigh. I think I'm kind of depressed. I haven't wanted to admit it, not to anyone, so maybe by putting it out here in writing... maybe it will help ease some of my sadness. I miss her so much. So much. It creeps up and hits me the hardest when I'm alone (like now when Ben is napping) or in the middle of the night when I'm in Ben's room - just the baby and my thoughts. The images and memories that hit me in the middle of the night aren't easy ones. They're hard and I don't want to see them any more.
I held my mom's hand as she passed away and it haunts me. It literally haunts me. The way she looked... I want that image out of my head. That's not how I want to remember her, and that's not how she'd want me to remember her. I didn't want to do it. She asked me if I would and I agreed, but when push came to shove... I really didn't want to be there. I'm glad I was there for my dad & my brother, but she was already gone. There was nothing of my mom there, other than her body, when she passed.
I just want her back. If only for a moment. I want to give her a hug and tell her how much I love her and how much I miss her. I want to see her like I'm trying to remember her - her hair in her beloved wedge cut, silver shining, her head thrown back in a laugh...that's how I'm trying to remember her.
I don't understand why this had to happen to our family. She'd already fought that battle once. We still need her. The kids still need their nana. I think about having more children and... well, some times I can't even get excited about it. I think of when my mom bribed her way into the hospital after Ben was born and I know I won't get to share that memory with my next baby. My next baby will never get to know her and it breaks my heart.
I want to share with her all the new and amazing things Ben is doing. Yesterday we were playing with his cars and he stops, looks behind me and points saying "socks" and sure enough, there were a pair of his socks on the couch. I nearly burst into tears. She would have loved to hear that story. She would have loved to see him walk and see his big old front teeth and all his jabbering. I'm so deeply saddened that I can't share any of this with him. I'm so grateful, so much more grateful that I can express that Ben got to share his 1st year with her. I wish I could make him hold on to those memories, but I know a time is coming soon when those memories of her will fade for him and he'll only know her through my stories.
Connor is about to start baseball season again and it will be so weird not sharing that with her. She was so proud of all he accomplished last year. She would have loved to see Emma tear it up on the basketball court or watch Hannah in her school programs.
They say everything happens for a reason but I haven't found the reason for this one yet. I wonder if I ever will.