mom

hi mommy,

I haven't written to you in awhile.  I've been thinking about you so much lately.  Well, not a day goes by that I don't think about you.  I miss you so much.  If you're looking down on us from heaven, you know Matthew arrived at the beginning of the month.  He's so beautiful, mommy.  He's a big boy, so much bigger than Ben ever was at this age.  He eats a lot and (mostly) very well and is a great sleeper for a newborn (4-5 hours at night!  in a row!).  He's perfect and I want to share him with you so much.  I want him to have cuddles with his nana like Ben did.  I want him to know you, not just through my memories but through his own.

Ben sure could use his nana right now, too.  Nick's mum came and stayed with us when Matthew was first born but she lives in Florida and Ben could use you.  He loves his grandpa and he loves his Lisa but I sure wish he could make more memories with YOU.

The first few days of being home as a family of four were so hard.  I cried a lot, missing and thinking about you.  I was just looking through your profile pictures on Facebook and found so many of you and Ben.  It breaks my heart that we don't get those opportunities anymore.

My brother sure could use you too.  So much has changed since you left us.  So much.  Jamie's having a hard time and my heart breaks for him.  He's trying so hard to be a good dad and get through the mess he's in, but I know he could use you.  If for nothing else but to hear your amazing laugh and get a mom hug.  You always had the best advice.  We all could use some of that right now.  And a little bit of ass kicking ala Linda.  :)

I hate to toss around the phrase "it's not fair" but damn it, it isn't fair.  This sucks.  I wasn't done with you yet and I think it's really crappy that I don't have you around anymore.

I miss you so much mom.  Nothing is really the same without you.