Today.

(Warning - this is pretty much a bitch fest post.  A lot of "woe is me" and "poor me" and well, a spectacular pity party.  I'm feeling pretty pitiful.)

Today, life as a mom of two was fairly awful.

There were way too many tears and nearly all of them were mine.

The morning started out okay-ish.  Matthew has pretty much stopped the 5 hours at a time thing at night (that seriously blows) and seems to eat at about 1, again at 4 and then again at 6.  Nick has been doing the first feeding and then I'd do the rest... lemme tell ya, waking up after 2 hours of sleep is not fun.  I think tonight I'll do the 1st and then let Nick take the 4 am feed (you just watch, this will be the night that Matthew goes from 1 to 6).

We finally got every one assembled and out the door to take Nick to work (lemme tell ya, this one car thing also seriously blows) only to discover as Nick was about the exit the car that he'd left his work bag at home.  So back home we trotted and dropped him off to work there for the the morning, while the two littles & I headed down town to the library for the monthly puppet show.  Maybe next month we'll make it before it starts...

After we got home, I immediately sat down to nurse Matthew & Nick does the lunch for Ben.  Mid way through my feed, Nick comes in to tell me his meeting got moved to right that moment, so I'm on my own for putting Ben to bed.  Which is fine.  I handled it.  No sooner than I got Ben all tucked in and Matthew wants to eat again.  So I'm nursing Matthew, Nick gets done with his meeting and leaves for work.  No lunch break for him, I guess.

Matthew was a pill today.  I could not put him down for longer than 15 minutes at the most.  He wanted to eat nonstop (I nursed him every 40 minutes from noon to about 5 and even gave him a bottle of formula in the middle, hoping that would help... nope).

Ben was also a pill.  He didn't fall asleep for his nap til nearly 3 hours after I put him down.  Slight scare... I guess I bumped the volume dial on his monitor down to off while I was in Matthew's room nursing.  I got him laid down and was walking down the hall when I heard Ben calling for me through his door.  He'd thrown up.  I'm not 100%, but I'm pretty sure he tried to eat the band aid that was on his arm and he choked on it.  I'm so glad the worst thing to happen was vomiting on his clothes & sheets (I'm deducing this is what happened because #1 - he was not at all devastated to have thrown up, like he is when he's actually ill and #2 - I found the soggy band aid in the middle of the vomit mess.  awesome).  In the middle of cleaning that up, Matthew woke up.

Sigh.

And so went my afternoon.

And then it got worse when Nick came home and informed me he is required to be in San Jose on Monday.

To say I'm devastated and panicked is an understatement.  I am terrified to be by myself for 3 days with absolutely no help or support.  I'm sure we'll make it out alive and I know I'm not the only parent to ever deal with a toddler and a newborn at the same time, flying solo but....  I'm not at all sure how I'm going to pull this off.  Especially in the evenings, which is Matthew's witching hour.  I don't want to deal with this and I want Nick to find a new job.  Traveling, in my opinion, is now completely out of the question.  If his work can't deal with that, then he needs to find other work.

Then I bashed my toe.  This wouldn't be a big deal, but lemme tell ya a little story 'bout this toe.  About 2 weeks ago, I was hauling our patio set around the yard to clean off and list on Craiglist and I set one of the chairs down on my toe SUPER hard (it didn't break but it sure felt like it did - not bad enough that I wouldn't have been able to climb up to see Anne Frank's house, but that's another story...).  Since that day, I have smacked it on something or dropped something on it almost every day.  This poor toe...

Today wasn't all bad though:

• the puppet show was fun and it was nice to see other mommy's
• Nick got a bonus with pay day, so that was a nice (and very much needed) surprise
• we got a delicious meal delivery from another mommy friend and rice crispie treats with it (so yummy, or as Ben said "these are a-licious!")
• on the way home from the library, Matthew started to throw a fit.  Ben said "calm down, brudder, calm down" and I told Ben Matthew was just hungry, to which Ben informed Matthew that he'd just have to wait.  Then I asked what did Matthew eat and Ben said "chickens!" and I said "noooo" and Ben said "milk!" and I said, "that's right!" and Ben said "from your boo boos!"  ha ha that kid cracks me up
• park play this evening, where Ben got to talk to a policeman and SIT IN a police car - so cool!

Wish me luck next week....

Two.

I'm a mom of two.

Holy cow.

I say "kids" instead of "kid".  I say "boys" instead of "Ben".

My hat is off to any parent with more than one kid, especially if one of those is a 2 year old.

I thought having a newborn was hard work.  Then my newborn turned 18 months old (ha ha) and I thought that was work.  Then my 18 month old turned 2 and I knew what real work was.  THEN I added a newborn to my 2 year old and holy cow.

I'm blessed.  My 2 year old is adjusting to new little brother very, very well.  There are moments where his attitude is less than desirable.  There are moments where I can clearly see he's jealous.  There are moments my heart breaks for him because I can't let him be the entire focus of my world.  My newborn often has a 4 to 5 hour stretch between feedings at night.  When I factor in that Nick takes the 1st feeding, that's dang near a full night of sleep.  Bliss.  Both my boys nap at the same time (well, okay, Matthew pretty much naps all day).  I can lay each kid down in their own room and still get my "me" time and time to do my chores.

However, they both seem to wake up at the same time.  And when Matthew is awake, he wants to eat.  And he tells you this at the top of his little bitty lungs.  And he's a chunk, my little Matthew.  He wants to eat all.  the.  time.  and he eats well, for at least 20 minutes each time.  That doesn't leave this mama very much time between feedings - he'd like to eat about every 40 minutes.  I don't (often) let him eat that often.

Last week, I had the most stressful 3 minutes of my entire life.  Matthew woke up fussing a little.  I went in to his room, gave him his bink (oh the bink... the bink I swore my second baby would never know anything about...), settled him back and and was on the way back down the hall when he woke up again.  I thought "okay, I'll just feed him now then" and went back to his room to get him up to eat.  No sooner had I picked up Matthew, and Ben woke up (an hour into his nap) announcing he had pooped.  So Matthew went back down into his crib, I dashed down the hall to Ben's room, did the worlds fastest diaper change all while Matthew is screaming his head off in the other room.  Ben must have sensed I meant business when I said "go back to sleep" because he did.  Matthew got fed and peace was restored to the land.  But those few minutes where I was needed in two places at once... yikes.

And holy cow, let me tell you what having a newborn does for how you view your toddler.  I used to think Ben was so little and so small.  Dudes, he's huge.  HUGE.  This was especially apparent to me the first time I did a diaper change on Ben after changing so many tiny butt diapers on Matthew.  As my friend Kelsey said, it was like changing a diaper on a grown man.  I think sleepy time diapers for Ben will be going away here soon.   And p.s. - no regression on the potty training at all yet.  No accidents in his pants - wahoo! 

All in all, we seem to be coping as a family of four fairly well.  Nick went back to work in the office on Monday and it's been okay.  I'm so thankful that Matthew is a great sleeper and than I can get a good 2 hour block (some times longer) in the afternoon where both boys sleep.  We've gone about life as normal this week: Monday I took both kids grocery shopping and that was fine.  Wednesday we went to Tumble Time and that was good (Matthew stayed strapped to me in his carrier vs in the car seat like the first time we went and it went SO much better).  Thursday we went to the library and it was great.  Today we did the park AND we visited my grandmother and it was good. 

Ben is fascinated with breastfeeding and keeps asking if he can touch.  I tell him no (cuz that's weird... right?) and Ben asks if he can feed brother, and again, I have to tell him no.  He's been pretty good about being a good boy while I'm nursing, though.  I had visions of Ben destroying the entire house while I was stuck feeding baby brother (and I suppose that day may still come).  He gets a little... rowdy?  aggressive?  while I'm nursing and I have to remind him to calm down and settle down.  For the most part, though he's good.  I just tell him I have to feed brother and I ask where he wants to play.  So we either hang out in brothers room (where the best game ever is to run laps around the ottoman) or in the front room while Ben plays with his trains or out in the living room and watch a few minutes of a movie. 

So far, so good.

mom

hi mommy,

I haven't written to you in awhile.  I've been thinking about you so much lately.  Well, not a day goes by that I don't think about you.  I miss you so much.  If you're looking down on us from heaven, you know Matthew arrived at the beginning of the month.  He's so beautiful, mommy.  He's a big boy, so much bigger than Ben ever was at this age.  He eats a lot and (mostly) very well and is a great sleeper for a newborn (4-5 hours at night!  in a row!).  He's perfect and I want to share him with you so much.  I want him to have cuddles with his nana like Ben did.  I want him to know you, not just through my memories but through his own.

Ben sure could use his nana right now, too.  Nick's mum came and stayed with us when Matthew was first born but she lives in Florida and Ben could use you.  He loves his grandpa and he loves his Lisa but I sure wish he could make more memories with YOU.

The first few days of being home as a family of four were so hard.  I cried a lot, missing and thinking about you.  I was just looking through your profile pictures on Facebook and found so many of you and Ben.  It breaks my heart that we don't get those opportunities anymore.

My brother sure could use you too.  So much has changed since you left us.  So much.  Jamie's having a hard time and my heart breaks for him.  He's trying so hard to be a good dad and get through the mess he's in, but I know he could use you.  If for nothing else but to hear your amazing laugh and get a mom hug.  You always had the best advice.  We all could use some of that right now.  And a little bit of ass kicking ala Linda.  :)

I hate to toss around the phrase "it's not fair" but damn it, it isn't fair.  This sucks.  I wasn't done with you yet and I think it's really crappy that I don't have you around anymore.

I miss you so much mom.  Nothing is really the same without you.

One Week.

Hi Matthew!

Yesterday was your 1 week birthday as an outside baby.  :)  We love having you, you are so easy going.  The first day home was rough (well, the night).  Mommy was having troubles nursing you and I was so sore and hurt and literally bleeding from one side.  That night, I gave up and we fed you formula for the next 3 or 4 feedings, to give mommy a chance to heal and feel better.  The formula, my little boy, did not agree with your system.  You were up pretty much all night, fussing, crying, so super gassy and just wanting to be held.  The next day, I figured out our latch and holding and nursing has been (pretty much) smooth sailing since then.  No more formula for you!  Mommy's actually making more milk than I did with brother and I'm able to pump and have a supply waiting in the freezer. 

Big brother loves you so much.  He wants to hold you and pet you and he is my #1 champ assistant with diaper changes.  He'll bring me your diaper, fetch out a wipe and take your dirty diaper to the kitchen to be thrown away.  The other day, he was holding you on the couch when you began to fuss for food.  I tried to pick you up to take you to my room to feed you and brother had a small fit.  He really wanted to feed you, he lifted up his shirt and said "I'm a do it.  I feed brother" - it was the sweetest (and funniest) thing I've seen.  when we went to the playground the other day, I discovered he'd slipped a car into your car seat for company.  I can't wait for you to get a little bigger & sturdier so you can play.

We visited the doctor last week and your weight had dipped to 8 lbs 1 oz.  Since then, we've figured out the feeding so I think you're starting to regain the weight you've lost.  We visit the doctor again on Monday - your 2 week birthday and my due date!  :)  You're spending a bit more time awake and I've noticed you're lifting your head up more and more.  At night you some times go 4 hours between feedings, which is heavenly for this mama who is used to sleeping all night long. 

We have no real routine yet, but I'm thinking that won't happen til nana goes home, you move out of our room and in to your own and daddy starts going in to the office.  Until then, we're just sort of getting through each day, but mostly they're fine.

Mommy is healing really well and I'm glad.  I'm breaking the rules... I'm not supposed to lift anything heavier than you for 6 weeks, but I have to admit I've picked up brother a few times.  I can't not cuddle my big boy!!  We've taken you out twice - once to the library for a break from the house and today we tried to visit GG but she wasn't home.  We'll try again tomorrow!

Love,
Mommy

yar, I'm a pirate!

Birth.

Well, when I last posted I said little man had an eviction date of the 9th if I didn't go in to labor on my own.

I went in to labor on my own.

Saturday morning my dad came and picked me up and took me shopping for the changing table/dresser (it was the last big item I needed for the room and I was so relieved when he offered to get it for us).  I had Nick put it together during Ben's nap and we finished it up after Ben went to bed.  Then we got the trim attached to the wall.  All that was left to do at that point was fill in the nail holes on the trim, paint it out and hang up my decorations.  Junior's room would have been complete.

I went to bed that night around 11:00ish.  I read for a few minutes and went to sleep.  I woke up some where around 12:15ish feeling like I had to pee and when I stood up, felt two little sharp jabs in my lower belly.  I was nearly to the toilet when my water broke.  And man did it BREAK.  They were not at all wrong when they said I had a lot of fluid.  Nick was still up working, so I called him in to the bathroom and said "um... my water just broke..."

The look on his face was pure comedy.  All these different emotions flickered over his face and he started hopping around like a monkey "what do we do?  what do we do?  I'll call the doctor" and he dashed off.  :)  I wasn't too concerned but, I also was wondering what do we do?  I wasn't having any contractions.  I remembered there's a timing thing with how long you can wander around with your water broken before there's a risk of infection.  Turns out, my OB was on call that night and called Nick back and told him he needed to get me to the hospital.

So we called my dad (a bit of a comedy on that one too - my dad didn't answer his phone, so we called my brother who also didn't answer his phone so I started to call Lisa when my dad called back) who said he'd come on over and watch Ben while we headed in.  Nick made a comment about of all the days to not grab a shower, so I told him to go ahead and take one.  No rush.  ;)  Then I wandered around the house, tidying up a bit, packing our hospital bags (I really left everything to the last minute).

Then my contractions started.  And they were hard and coming quickly, so that's when I started to freak out a bit.  My dad was driving in from Caldwell and I wanted to leave NOW.  So we decided we'd have my brother come meet us at the hospital to get Ben and we'd head out right then.  We got Ben up out of bed, into the car and my dad calls back saying he's like 5 minutes away.  So out of the car Ben went, back into bed he went, and we waited for my dad.

We got checked in to St. Lukes, my contractions coming about every 3-4 minutes.  I was only dilated to about a 3 but they admitted me and moved me to a delivery suite.  Things were rocking and rolling and I labored on my own for about 3 or 4 hours before the anesthesiologist got to my room to put in my epidural.  Flashbacks to Ben's delivery where it didn't WORK.  With Ben, I was feeling all my contractions in my right upper thigh. This time, I simply had no relief.  A bit later, back he came to redo it.  Man, oh man, he hit a nerve that felt like an electrical shock in my knee.  Finally got that all straightened out and that was awesome.  I felt NOTHING.  Ah-mazing.

I really thought, with the way things were progressing, that we'd have a baby no later than 7 that morning.  Cue the 11:00 hour and it turns out I'd simply stopped progressing.  He was face up instead of face down, he wasn't descended far enough in the birth canal where they could reach him to turn him and I was exhausted.  Exhausted and I hadn't even started pushing.  Nurses, OB and I made the call to do a c-section.  And it's a good thing we did.

At 12:18 pm, Matthew Cameron Beesley was born weighing 9 lbs, 1 oz.  He's 22 inches long and his head was 14 1/2 inches & has a full head of black hair.