Today is the opening day of the regular season for the Packers. Nick, Ben & I are heading over to the house tonight to eat brats, drink beer and watch the game with dad. Well, Nick & dad will drink beer :) Ben & I won't.
Today is hard. I didn't know it would be. I didn't plan for today being rough. It's just another day of football - the first day that marks the next 4 or so months of my weekends interrupted for Packer football. I wish you were here for it. I wish you were here to help me watch Ben during the game, to yell at the refs, to scold the players for stupid penalties and look to see what color Sharpie Mike has under his hat.
Ben & I came to visit you today. I brought you some really pretty yellow & green flowers (Packer colors, of course). Sorry Ben stepped on you ;) I didn't think you'd mind. The Packers romper you bought Ben last year fits perfectly this year. He's wearing it today and looks fairly handsome, if I say so myself.
I miss you, mama. :( This year has been so hard. So much has changed since we lost you. So many things are happening and changing and I'm scrambling to keep up. I'm trying to be so open minded and accepting and I'm doing a pretty good job but occasionally it sneaks up on me. I have to go in for my very first surgery tomorrow to have my gallbladder removed and i sure with you were here to comfort me through it. I know it'll be okay and I'm not that worried about it, but I'd sure love your reassurance and knowing that you were here to help if we needed it.
I packed away a lot of Ben's outgrown clothes this past weekend and so many of them were things you bought him. The sweet little robot jammies and the baseball ones that were so huge the waist nearly came up to his chin. :) The hooded Packer tee you brought home from Lambeau Field. The North Boise onesie I made him for our trip to California to watch Connor play in the Little League World Series. He still wears the Bearly Sleeping jammies you got him for Christmas and it makes me smile when I pick those out for him to wear.
We have your picture hanging in his room and we say good night to it often. Some times Ben wants to hold it and give you a kiss. I hope I can keep your memory alive for him. I know he's probably forgotten the times you spent together already, but I can tell him stories about how you got him to sleep during Packers games when he's older.
I'm having a hard time with Ben recently and some aggression that's coming out. Some of it is just his age and some if it is my fault. I could use your guidance on how to get through it, so if you're near - give me a gentle nudge in the right direction.