mom

hi mommy,

I haven't written to you in awhile.  I've been thinking about you so much lately.  Well, not a day goes by that I don't think about you.  I miss you so much.  If you're looking down on us from heaven, you know Matthew arrived at the beginning of the month.  He's so beautiful, mommy.  He's a big boy, so much bigger than Ben ever was at this age.  He eats a lot and (mostly) very well and is a great sleeper for a newborn (4-5 hours at night!  in a row!).  He's perfect and I want to share him with you so much.  I want him to have cuddles with his nana like Ben did.  I want him to know you, not just through my memories but through his own.

Ben sure could use his nana right now, too.  Nick's mum came and stayed with us when Matthew was first born but she lives in Florida and Ben could use you.  He loves his grandpa and he loves his Lisa but I sure wish he could make more memories with YOU.

The first few days of being home as a family of four were so hard.  I cried a lot, missing and thinking about you.  I was just looking through your profile pictures on Facebook and found so many of you and Ben.  It breaks my heart that we don't get those opportunities anymore.

My brother sure could use you too.  So much has changed since you left us.  So much.  Jamie's having a hard time and my heart breaks for him.  He's trying so hard to be a good dad and get through the mess he's in, but I know he could use you.  If for nothing else but to hear your amazing laugh and get a mom hug.  You always had the best advice.  We all could use some of that right now.  And a little bit of ass kicking ala Linda.  :)

I hate to toss around the phrase "it's not fair" but damn it, it isn't fair.  This sucks.  I wasn't done with you yet and I think it's really crappy that I don't have you around anymore.

I miss you so much mom.  Nothing is really the same without you.

One Week.

Hi Matthew!

Yesterday was your 1 week birthday as an outside baby.  :)  We love having you, you are so easy going.  The first day home was rough (well, the night).  Mommy was having troubles nursing you and I was so sore and hurt and literally bleeding from one side.  That night, I gave up and we fed you formula for the next 3 or 4 feedings, to give mommy a chance to heal and feel better.  The formula, my little boy, did not agree with your system.  You were up pretty much all night, fussing, crying, so super gassy and just wanting to be held.  The next day, I figured out our latch and holding and nursing has been (pretty much) smooth sailing since then.  No more formula for you!  Mommy's actually making more milk than I did with brother and I'm able to pump and have a supply waiting in the freezer. 

Big brother loves you so much.  He wants to hold you and pet you and he is my #1 champ assistant with diaper changes.  He'll bring me your diaper, fetch out a wipe and take your dirty diaper to the kitchen to be thrown away.  The other day, he was holding you on the couch when you began to fuss for food.  I tried to pick you up to take you to my room to feed you and brother had a small fit.  He really wanted to feed you, he lifted up his shirt and said "I'm a do it.  I feed brother" - it was the sweetest (and funniest) thing I've seen.  when we went to the playground the other day, I discovered he'd slipped a car into your car seat for company.  I can't wait for you to get a little bigger & sturdier so you can play.

We visited the doctor last week and your weight had dipped to 8 lbs 1 oz.  Since then, we've figured out the feeding so I think you're starting to regain the weight you've lost.  We visit the doctor again on Monday - your 2 week birthday and my due date!  :)  You're spending a bit more time awake and I've noticed you're lifting your head up more and more.  At night you some times go 4 hours between feedings, which is heavenly for this mama who is used to sleeping all night long. 

We have no real routine yet, but I'm thinking that won't happen til nana goes home, you move out of our room and in to your own and daddy starts going in to the office.  Until then, we're just sort of getting through each day, but mostly they're fine.

Mommy is healing really well and I'm glad.  I'm breaking the rules... I'm not supposed to lift anything heavier than you for 6 weeks, but I have to admit I've picked up brother a few times.  I can't not cuddle my big boy!!  We've taken you out twice - once to the library for a break from the house and today we tried to visit GG but she wasn't home.  We'll try again tomorrow!

Love,
Mommy

yar, I'm a pirate!

Birth.

Well, when I last posted I said little man had an eviction date of the 9th if I didn't go in to labor on my own.

I went in to labor on my own.

Saturday morning my dad came and picked me up and took me shopping for the changing table/dresser (it was the last big item I needed for the room and I was so relieved when he offered to get it for us).  I had Nick put it together during Ben's nap and we finished it up after Ben went to bed.  Then we got the trim attached to the wall.  All that was left to do at that point was fill in the nail holes on the trim, paint it out and hang up my decorations.  Junior's room would have been complete.

I went to bed that night around 11:00ish.  I read for a few minutes and went to sleep.  I woke up some where around 12:15ish feeling like I had to pee and when I stood up, felt two little sharp jabs in my lower belly.  I was nearly to the toilet when my water broke.  And man did it BREAK.  They were not at all wrong when they said I had a lot of fluid.  Nick was still up working, so I called him in to the bathroom and said "um... my water just broke..."

The look on his face was pure comedy.  All these different emotions flickered over his face and he started hopping around like a monkey "what do we do?  what do we do?  I'll call the doctor" and he dashed off.  :)  I wasn't too concerned but, I also was wondering what do we do?  I wasn't having any contractions.  I remembered there's a timing thing with how long you can wander around with your water broken before there's a risk of infection.  Turns out, my OB was on call that night and called Nick back and told him he needed to get me to the hospital.

So we called my dad (a bit of a comedy on that one too - my dad didn't answer his phone, so we called my brother who also didn't answer his phone so I started to call Lisa when my dad called back) who said he'd come on over and watch Ben while we headed in.  Nick made a comment about of all the days to not grab a shower, so I told him to go ahead and take one.  No rush.  ;)  Then I wandered around the house, tidying up a bit, packing our hospital bags (I really left everything to the last minute).

Then my contractions started.  And they were hard and coming quickly, so that's when I started to freak out a bit.  My dad was driving in from Caldwell and I wanted to leave NOW.  So we decided we'd have my brother come meet us at the hospital to get Ben and we'd head out right then.  We got Ben up out of bed, into the car and my dad calls back saying he's like 5 minutes away.  So out of the car Ben went, back into bed he went, and we waited for my dad.

We got checked in to St. Lukes, my contractions coming about every 3-4 minutes.  I was only dilated to about a 3 but they admitted me and moved me to a delivery suite.  Things were rocking and rolling and I labored on my own for about 3 or 4 hours before the anesthesiologist got to my room to put in my epidural.  Flashbacks to Ben's delivery where it didn't WORK.  With Ben, I was feeling all my contractions in my right upper thigh. This time, I simply had no relief.  A bit later, back he came to redo it.  Man, oh man, he hit a nerve that felt like an electrical shock in my knee.  Finally got that all straightened out and that was awesome.  I felt NOTHING.  Ah-mazing.

I really thought, with the way things were progressing, that we'd have a baby no later than 7 that morning.  Cue the 11:00 hour and it turns out I'd simply stopped progressing.  He was face up instead of face down, he wasn't descended far enough in the birth canal where they could reach him to turn him and I was exhausted.  Exhausted and I hadn't even started pushing.  Nurses, OB and I made the call to do a c-section.  And it's a good thing we did.

At 12:18 pm, Matthew Cameron Beesley was born weighing 9 lbs, 1 oz.  He's 22 inches long and his head was 14 1/2 inches & has a full head of black hair.

Kids Say the Darnedest Things

Just a a place to write down some funny things Ben has said lately:

On our way to Florida, Ben was watching a movie on the little DVD player and asked Nick where his milk was.  Nick handed it to him, but instead of reaching for it, Ben just simply opened his mouth (like Nick should bottle feed him).  Nick said "don't you have hands?" and Ben holds them out, looks at both of them and says "yeah, I do!"
--
Also on our way to Florida, the flight attendant asked Ben what his name was.  He said "Ben!  I'm 2!  This one Nick (pointing to Nick).  That one... (really big pause)... that one Ben's mommy"
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Also while in Florida, Nana was in the backseat of our awesome van, keeping Ben entertained and distracted from a meltdown as we were way beyond nap time.  She played a game with him where she'd reach for his sippy and say "that's my milk!" and Ben would burst into hysterical laughter, clutch his sippy to his chest and say "no, that's MY milk!".  Eventually this morphed into her saying "oh, can I have those feet then?  those are my feet" and Ben said "no!  those are my feet!  you can't have them, Benny needs them!"
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I took Ben out back to play earlier and he got soaked in his pool.  I brought him in and stripped him naked, wrapped a towel around him and set him on the couch to watch a movie while I went to get him some dry clothes.  I came back out, and he had both index fingers pressed to each of his nipples and he said "I got my chest" and I said "you sure do" and then he says "you touch my buttons, too?"

I about died with laughter (and politely declined to touch his buttons).

I'd forgotten that he called his nipples his buttons.  I don't wish to EVER correct him.  I hope he calls them buttons when he's 50 years old.
--

37 & 1/2 weeks

Another week, another baby update:

first, I had another ultrasound today.  Today the tech just checked my fluid, apparently I have a lot.  So baby is measuring large + extra fluid = big ol' swollen tummy.  My doctor said that the measurements can be off, but this tech is usually very accurate in her measuring, so my doctor is very confident that I've got a little porker in my belly.

Because she's trusting the measurements, she's suggested a 39 week induction if I don't go into labor on my own before then.  The longer he cooks, the bigger he gets.  The bigger he gets, the more risk of a complicated delivery and potential c-section.  I'm a-okay with her suggestion.  She's the professional and I trust her judgement.  This actually relieves some of my concerns.  I don't have a whole lot, but I am a little nervous about going in to labor.  I've never done that.  :)  I've never had my water break randomly or start the contraction process, so in a way this feels like my first pregnancy.  It's reassuring to me to know of a firm end date if I don't go on my own prior to then.

Today she checked me out and said I'm a full 1 cm dilated and 50% effaced (I actually had to look that up, I'd forgotten what the terms meant...) but that she could feel the head this time.  Whoopie.  Then she stretched my cervix to try to encourage labor.  We'd done that twice with Ben and I'd forgotten how unpleasant it was.  I remembered it didn't feel good.  I forgot how much it didn't feel good.

Anyway, after that she had me to a non-stress test.  Because I'm apparently rather fluid filled, she said it could be a sign that the placenta isn't doing it's job appropriately and she wanted to make sure the kiddo was doing okay in there.  So 25 very uncomfortable minutes later (I started out fine.... but then I started to get hot... and my sciatic started to really hurt and I couldn't get comfortable), all is well with me and the babe.  My weight remains the same but my blood pressure was amazing.  100/60.  I don't think it's ever been that low. 

My next appointment is Monday, no ultrasound this time.  She may attempt to stretch my cervix again and after that, I'll be referred to another doctor in her practice because my doctor flies out of town on the 5th for a family reunion.  Rude.  And then we'll schedule my induction for I think the 9th.  Which, hmm... I believe I'll ask if we can wait til the 11th.  Because then Nana B will be here and she can mind after Benny boy for us.  Hey, if I'm ordering up a delivery, I ought to get to pick the date, right?  :)

And now I'm off to finish putting the little dude's room together before Ben wakes up from his nap.  :)